


NBC Archives: Red Carpet: 4/5/08: Saturday Night Live: Season 33 (Reunion Episode)

by thechickadee



Category: Saturday Night Live RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-04 09:02:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1773421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechickadee/pseuds/thechickadee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Red Carpet SNL exclusive: upcoming reunion episode, 2008.<br/>"She doesn't misdirect. Because this video isn't for the public, and no one ever watches the NBC archives until someone dies."</p>
            </blockquote>





	NBC Archives: Red Carpet: 4/5/08: Saturday Night Live: Season 33 (Reunion Episode)

**Red Carpet: 4/5/08: New York, New York**

**Saturday Night Live: Season 33 Reunion Episode**

**NBC Archives**

**"So what’s your favorite part about being on SNL?"**

Kristen smiles at the reporter. God, she hopes she got all the lipstick off her teeth, and for Christ’s sake, she really needs to slop slouching because she is a grown-ass woman.

"I would say, the fact that it’s live every week is just so…exhilarating, it just… never gets old, you know?"

The answer seems familiar, and she’s probably used it before, maybe even tonight, and she just wants to put on some sweatpants and split a large pizza with Bill in his hotel room. She pulls up her red strapless dress by the sides, uncomfortable and tired.

"Wiig!" she hears, and Bill is by her side, his arm wrapping around her bare shoulders, his favorite cologne filling her nose. She wonders if he’s saving her on purpose, if she looks that awkward on the red carpet. But, then again, she’s always been awkward by herself. And she tells herself that’s why she can breathe now that Bill is standing next to her.

 

 

 

 

**"Maya, it's great to have you back for this show. You ladies look wonderful tonight; who are you wearing?"**

Maya looks down at her purple gown, snorts, and looks at Amy, finding a similar look of bemusement plastered on her face.

"Uhm…yes, I am wearing [indiscernible French-sounding name], who is very popular, obviously—" 

Amy cackles. "Yes, and I am wearing Yo Mama, who’s really big in…Japan, I think it was?"

Dragging her hand show-girl style along the long sleeve of Amy’s dress, Maya adds, "I believe it’s pronounced ‘YoMamá."

They peel off into a fit of laughter, because they both spent ten minutes picking a random dress from wardrobe yesterday, and they could tell the reporter the dresses cost a million dollars each and he would believe it. Contrary to popular belief, red carpet exclusive interviews aren’t the highlight of fame, especially for comedians, and Amy and Maya refrain from pointing out that they care less about dress designers and more about the show they have to produce in forty-eight hours.

 

 

 

 

**"Mr. Michaels, we’re all so excited to see what this reunion show has in store, in just two days! Are you satisfied with the current state of the show, compared to the years when it first started? Would you change anything if you could?"**

Seth watches from three feet away as Lorne eyes the skinny reporter up and down. Hands folded, straight posture, terrifying gaze, and the reporter seems to shrink a little. Seth laughs out loud. If only that poor kid knew what it was like to pitch sketch ideas to Lorne on a weekly basis.

"No, I’m quite satisfied," says Lorne, and walks away, still managing to look poised in a way that only Lorne can.

Seth walks up to the reporter and claps him on the shoulder. "Never compare now to the early years, Man. Stick with the boring questions, when it comes to Lorne."

The reporter sighs, and crosses a question off of his list.

 

 

 

 

**"How excited are you for Saturday? What has it been like to work on this reunion episode this week? Was it nice having the gang back together?"**

"God, it was horrible," deadpans Tina, shaking her head. "Just awful. I don’t know how I worked with these people." She puts her hands on her hips, and she’s classic Tina with her up-do and simple black dress, exuding a no-nonsense air of elegance.

"Hey, I’m standing right here," says Jimmy, sidling up beside her, his arm on her back as he kisses her on the cheek. She sees a camera flash somewhere and winces. (The videos might not reach the public, but pictures sure as hell will.)

"Yeah, this one was a real pain in the ass," she says to the camera, slapping Jimmy's chest, then fixing his obnoxiously crooked bowtie. "Who wears a tux to NBC Archive interviews, you loser?"

"She totally missed me," whispers Jimmy loudly.

 

 

 

 

**"What’s the best part about being Head Writer?"**

Seth folds his arms. Andy keeps telling him to come up with an angle for these interviews.

"The best part…I guess I would say just being able to uphold this amazing show and work with all of these incredibly talented people, and being able to call them my family."

He figures ‘genuine’ is a good enough angle.

**"That’s sweet!"**

"Yeah, and I will say, a close second is my office chair. When I got the job as head writer, my good friend Amy Poehler got me this sweet office chair, and I swear to god it’s like sitting in heaven." He pauses.

"Although, she probably just found it outside on the street."

 

 

 

 

**"So, how do you guys define your relationship, in regards to the show or otherwise?"**

Kristen and Bill pause, but to their credit, it’s only for a second.

"Oh we don’t get along at all," says Kristen.

"We despise each other, really," says Bill frowning. He catches her eye and they both break, grins stretching across their faces.

"No, Bill and I write really well together, and I think it’s because we’re just…very like-minded, or something like that."

"She’s like my little sister," says Bill, hugging her shoulder.

"I’m older than you."

"You don’t act like it."

She punches his arm. "You’re such an asshole."

"I told you," says Bill, laughing. "We hate each other."

 

 

 

 

**"Alright, Amy, I’m going to steal this question, because I just heard it and it’s really good."**

"I do not approve in any way. Shame on you and your family. But go ahead, I suppose."

**"What is the biggest sacrifice you have made for comedy?"**

"Oooh, that _is_ a good one." She looks down and straightens the sides of her shimmery dress, trying to think of what to say.

Her marriage. She could say that. She twists her ring around and around like she has a hundred times, her fingers rubbing the worn metal over and over, until it becomes warm.

"I think…" she pauses, biting the inside of her cheek.

The thing with red carpet questions is that there’s always that moment where she has to decide how honest she’s going to be.

"People don’t know when to take me seriously sometimes. Like they don’t know whether to laugh or to get the hell out of my sight."

Also true. Not necessarily unconnected.

Then she laughs, because it’s the only way she knows how to fill awkward silences.

**"And who’s someone on the show who always knows when you’re being serious, and when you’re joking?"**

Damn, they were really _on_ the follow-up questions tonight. She looks around, as if she doesn’t already have a name in her mind, and she smiles unconsciously.

"From the cast… Seth for sure.  He’s one of the only people actually." She laughs again, like a nervous reflex, and mentally slaps herself.

"Seth always knows when _not_ to laugh at what I say, like when I’m actually making a point. And I’d even go a step further and say that he knows when I need space, and when I’m just being cranky or dramatic. Like, it’ll be four in the morning and I’ll stand up and be like, ‘I don’t care if this sketch bombs, I’m so done with it, I just don’t care,’ and Seth will just laugh and say, ‘Yes, you do. Sit down and write.’

He’s just so down to Earth; he makes me look like a crazy person. He’s my rock. My dorky, comic-book-loving rock."

 

 

 

 

**"How do you compare yourselves at the update desk to Seth and Amy?"**

Tina laughs, because this is a conversation that takes place almost weekly between her and Jimmy.

"You can answer this one, Tina," says Jimmy, grinning at her.

"Okay, " Tina says. "Jimmy and I had this tangible…dynamic, sort of, where he was the young, crazy one, and I was the responsible babysitter. Which Lorne totally intended, by the way, I don’t know if people know that."

Jimmy nods. "Yeah, and with Seth and Amy, it’s the same but it’s switched: crazy Amy and her trusty babysitter Seth. Although," he says, stroking an imaginary beard. "Seth is much wilder than you were, you have to admit."

"Yeah, no wonder Lorne has so much grey hair. He’s actually twenty-six, you know," Tina says matter-of-factly to the camera.

"Yeah, common knowledge," Jimmy laughs, and he looks at her, nostalgia bubbling up inside him. "But you know, Tina and I made a pretty great team, so we’re not giving out any ‘Best Duo’ titles here."

Tina smiles, a real smile, not a camera smile, because she’s remembering the hours they spent writing (or the hours _she_ spent writing while _he_ sat on the couch tossing a baseball up and down), and god, they somehow really were an amazing team.

"Thanks, Pal!" she beams, not missing the compliment. Now what in the name of god was the original question? Right! Seth and Amy.

"All the same," she says, back on track, always the master of the red carpet game, "They’re like our children. We love them to death."

And Jimmy just smiles, because she called him Pal, and they both know that’s _his_ thing, but he doesn’t mind sharing at all.

 

 

 

 

**"Alright Seth, call one of your buddies over here so we can get a double going."**

Feigning indignance, he says, "Oh, so I’m not good enough for you anymore?" He lets out a high-pitched laugh that doesn’t match his steel grey suit and perfectly straight tie.

"Poehler," he calls to his right, and in a split second, she saunters over in her classy blue dress, loose golden hair and dazzling smile, doing a twirl and bumping in to him on purpose, like sunshine embodied in a human.

He puts a hand around her waist and leans in, whispering in her ear. It’s too quiet for the mics to pick it up, but it sounds faintly like, "You look beautiful."

She blushes and frowns slightly because when he used to say that, it used to make her feel loved and special and hopeful, and now it makes her feel loved and helpless and desperate.

 

 

 

 

**"What is your favorite thing about each other?"**

Kristen laughs, a little self-consciously. "What are we, married?"

Bill’s arm drops to her hip, and okay, in the reporter’s defense, she _is_ wearing his suit jacket because she’s cold and she always forgets a jacket and he hates suits anyway.

She clears her throat, but Bill beats her to it and she curses inwardly, because she knows whatever he’s going to say is going to be sincere and honest, and she doesn’t know what to do with herself when he starts talking about her like that.

"My favorite thing about Kristen is her laugh," he says, no hesitation, like he’s had the answer on hold since day one. "I know it’s cheesy to say when you’re in the comedy business, but her laugh…just…lights up the room and brightens every day."

He’s looking into her eyes instead of the camera, holding her way closer than acceptable, and the words he’s saying should not be allowed near her, and her cheeks are warm, and _god_ she wants to go hide somewhere so badly.

But it’s her turn. Crap.

She clears her throat, looks away, clears her throat again. She can feel him watching her.

"Bill…is…honest. And so steady. He never lies, and he’s just so…supportive of everyone."

She cringes internally. It sounds rehearsed and impersonal, like she’s describing someone she just met. And that’s not true, it’s not, but she’s just never been good with expressing how she feels.

Why isn’t the reporter asking another question? She glances at Bill, and his face makes her stomach do a flip-flop. He looks a little hurt, but mostly just disappointed, and her throat feels panicked, and she can’t let him be disappointed in her no matter what, so she opens her mouth again, pushes forward until she's saying things she's never told anyone before.

"Okay. And Bill, like…puts up with me. Yeah, that’s my favorite thing. No matter how many times I burst into tears for no reason, or throw things at him at four A.M., or just generally act like an insane teenager, he never once tells me I’m batshit crazy. Which I am, so I really appreciate whatever he sees in me."

She clears her throat again, hugging Bill’s jacket closer around her shoulders and glancing up at his face, the silence sudden and piercing. "Yeah, that’s my favorite thing…" she trails off, feeling out of place again.

His eyes won’t stop tearing a hole through her.

"You’re my favorite thing," he mutters, as if he didn’t mean to say it out loud, and her face turns as red as her dress.

**"What was that?"**

"Um…I said…these questions are getting pretty serious for a group of comedians."

 

 

 

 

**"So, Tina, 30 Rock is going great for you, you're done filming season three, and Jimmy, there's been talk of you replacing Conan on Late night! Is that something that's happening?"**

Jimmy hesitates, and lowers his voice. "Okay, only because this is for the NBC archives, I will say that it's looking pretty good. Lorne is being pretty steadfast and I think it's going to happen. And as the first semi-official acknowledgement, I would like to thank Tina, because she taught me everything I know."

Tina blushes, and her first instinct is to tell the reporter that she taught Jimmy how to tie his shoes, but she hears Amy’s voice in her head telling her to just "take the fucking compliment for once," like Amy so often says in her straightforward way. So Tina blushes, and says, "Oh, stop it."

Good enough, right?

"You really are amazing, Pal," he says, almost softly, but not quite.

"So are you! You’re going to do a fantastic job, if I haven’t mentioned that already."

He smiles widely, wrapping his arm around her like it belongs there.

She clears her throat, brushing a loose strand of hair back in place, suddenly glad that these videos won't be available for public viewing.

She looks at the reporter blankly. "Um…what was the question?"

 

 

 

 

**"So what’s the dynamic with you two off screen? Do you have the same dynamic for update, or is that completely different?"**

"Well, Seth is my slave," says Amy, then pokes a finger at Seth and says, "and don’t you forget it."

He holds his hands up in surrender. "Every day," he says to the camera. Amy laughs loudly, her head thrown back, and she hugs him sideways.

"He’s the Jolie to my Pitt."

"That is the most heartfelt compliment I have ever received," he says with mock seriousness, his hand over his heart. "But I will say, you’re more like the Britney Spears to my Kevin Federline."

"Ugh, Seth, this is 2008; get with the times. That was so last year."

"What can I say? It'll take more than ten songs and a lawsuit to get over you, Britney." And he kisses her on the cheek, lingering a little more than necessary.

Amy laughs in delight, then shakes her hair out and tries to compose herself, tries to feel a little less elated. But somehow she can’t seem to manage it with his blue eyes sparkling into hers and his fingers tickling her side. She laughs again and looks at the reporter.

"Is that enough _dynamic_ for you?"

 

 

 

 

**"What’s the latest writing night you’ve ever had? Or most memorable."**

"Oh, man, the latest night…"Bill scratches his head. Kristen grins, her mind full of possible answers.

"One time, the week of the Christmas show," she says, already laughing, "Maya and I were super…" she pauses, choosing her words carefully while Bill makes a drinking motion behind her back.

"Let’s just say we had one too many eggnogs, and we locked ourselves in my office and tried to write sketches, and of course, we both thought everything we came up with was fucking hilarious. And the next morning, when we were totally hung-over, Andy and Jason came in and started reading the sketches we wrote, and they were just _so_ _horrible_. Not even remotely funny, and mostly incoherent. Actually, I think at one point there’s just a line of H’s where I passed out on the keyboard.  And Andy and Jason never let us live that down, to this day. Which is what makes it memorable, I guess. They literally don’t let us forget it."

Bill laughs, recognition on his face. "They tried to show me those sketches that morning too, but I threw things at them until they left."

"Were you hung-over, too?"

He shrugs. "It _was_ the Christmas show."

Kristen laughs, her jaw dropped in surprise. "And that's not your favorite show?"

He grins at her. "Alec Baldwin."

Her eyes go wide as she remembers that week, and she covers her face. "Oh, god, I remember that."

"Ok," says Bill to the reporter, (he never has felt comfortable talking to a camera), "So, Kristen and I decided, our first year on the show, that we were going to write all our sketches one week with no other writers. And it was the first time we had tried that, and for some reason, not the last."

Kristen hangs on to his arm, almost doubling over with laugher. "And we really, really wanted to get on that week, because it was Alec Baldwin! And we just…totally tanked."

"So Kristen keeps this jar of Jelly Beans on her desk, and we wrote this sketch about a giant jelly bean, who was like the Cool-Aid guy, but, like, even more stoned."

Kristen nods, tears in her eyes. "And Bill was just so tired at this point, I think it was like five in the morning, he took a handful of jelly beans and threw them in the air, and yelled, "I’m the fucking Jelly Bean King!" in his super gay voice…" She trails off, no breath left to finish, and Bill interjects.

"Because, like, that was his catchphrase, you know?"

And then the both lose it, shaking shoulders and teary eyes.

 

 

 

 

**"Was there anything you ever tried for Update that Tina wouldn’t let you do, or did you guys always agree?"**

Tina laughs loudly, crosses her arms, and looks up at Jimmy. She hates that even with four-inch black heels on, he’s still taller than her.

Jimmy rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "Yeah…there were a few she wouldn’t let me do. I mean, and she wrote ninety percent of them anyway. But yeah, most of the time, we agreed, but sometimes, I’d show up with a joke and she’d just be like, ‘No.’"

He would call her bossy, just to tease her, except for the fact that she would just go off on him about how ‘Bossy’ is a sexist term and if she were a guy, she would never be called bossy. And even if it _is_ true, and even if he's a little in awe of her when she does that, he doesn’t feel like sitting through that again.

**"What’s something she wouldn’t let you do?"**

"I can think of a hundred," says Tina, enjoying her moment. Jimmy shakes his head at her, grinning. "Totally unfair. How about the delivery boy one?"

"Racist."

"There was the stripper one."

"Sexist."

"Daredevil jumping over the update desk?"

"Just stupid."

Jimmy pauses. "What about on your birthday?"

Tina opens her mouth, adjusts her glasses, and closes her mouth again.

"Ha! That’s what I thought! Totally unfair," says Jimmy, a mile-wide grin on his face at finally catching her out. "There was nothing wrong with that bit."

**"What was it about?"**

"I serenaded Tina on her birthday in my leather jacket with my trusty guitar."

**"What song?"**

"Happy Birthday," says Tina, shoving him so he shuts up, "and it was embarrassing for you."

Jimmy shakes his head at the camera, and mouths, "It wasn’t Happy Birthday."

He starts tapping a beat on his jacket, and starts humming, the tune becoming increasingly loud and increasingly clear, and Andy, who‘s walking by, stops in his tracks.

"Dude, are you singing Toxic by Brittney Spears? You know what year it is, right?"

"Shut up!" yells Jimmy, but Andy ignores him.

"Did we go back in time to a point where singing that song is okay? Wake up, Andy! It’s just a nightmare!"

"Get out of here!" laughs Jimmy. "I was just convincing Tina that my rendition should have made it to air."

Andy points at him, and says, "That, I totally agree with. I bet it was awesome, Man."

"See?" says Jimmy to Tina, sounding suspiciously similar to a five year-old.

Tina looks at the camera. "This is why I said no. He is like a child sometimes. Yes, it was Toxic by Brittney Spears, and I shut him down because, one: childish behavior shouldn’t be encouraged; it only makes them worse, and two: as Samburg so rightly pointed out, there was no point in time where singing that song was cool, on TV or otherwise."

There’s a second of silence, just enough to make Tina start to feel a little guilty, then Jimmy starts singing, "I’m addicted to youuuu," air-guitarring in her face. "Don’t you know that you’re toxic, and I looove what you doooo…"

She tries not to smile, she really does, because, you know, the whole encouraging childish behavior thing, and according to Amy, something about how she’s too stubborn to let herself be charmed by him.

She ends up rolling her eyes, an attempt to balance out the quirk of her lips. "Let it go, Jimmy-boy."

"Never."

 

 

 

 

**"Do you know what you would do if you left SNL? Can you see yourself leaving for your own show, or something like that?"**

Amy takes a deep breath. "God, no. Well, maybe, I don’t know. I mean, yes, everyone has to leave at some point." She glances at Seth. His eyes are focused on a spot near the back of the room, and to anyone else, it looks like he’s watching someone do an interview, but let’s face it: out of the two of them, she’s always been the better actor, and when he’s _acting_ , she can tell.

She knows he’s listening to her, hanging on to every word, so she adds, "I still have a lot of time left here, I’m pretty sure."

It’s only a little bit false.

True, she doesn’t know when she’s leaving. But she does know a lot of other things.

She knows it’s closer than it was before; that blurry, ambiguous "leaving" point that used to be so not concerning is becoming clearer, and she can only close her eyes for so long.

And she also knows that she's two months pregnant, and sure, nobody else knows yet, not even Will, but that has to mean _something_ about her time left on the show, right? Nobody can do this with kids, and she's not being presumptuous, she's just looking at the facts: Tina, Maya, _everyone_ chooses kids over this show, and it's far from crazy; in fact, it's starting to make more sense every day, and that's what scares her.

She knows she can't fight the odds anymore, those odds that force you to make decisions. Dating or the show, Marriage or the show, Kids or the show? She can't choose both every time. She's already tried that twice, and she knows it isn't working.

And she thinks maybe Seth knows that she's leaving soon, or knows that she's pregnant, or knows _something_ , and she knows how much he hates goodbyes; she thinks that’s why he goes all quiet and sad when she brings "leaving" up.

And the way he tries valiantly to put on a happy face, the way he pretends to be fine with it, the way he _acts_ for her, makes her head spin.

 

Seth leans his head against hers. "I’m holding her hostage, actually. If you look closely, we’re handcuffed right now."

She laughs, relieved. At what, she doesn’t know.

"Yeah, he shackles me to the update desk every week."

Seth giggles, (and yes, the fact that he giggles like a girl never fails to make her smile), and holds her a little tighter.

He’s happy, here, now, with her, he’s happy everywhere he’s with her, but part of him wonders if he actually _is_ holding her hostage, if there’s anything else but him that’s holding her back.

"And no, I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m fine with that," he says, still leaning on her, and really, their entire relationship is them just leaning on each other all the time, even when they shouldn’t for the sake of mental clarity.

And he’s lying, too. He does want to see what the future holds. He wants to know how long before Amy leaves.

Amy looks up at him, and he doesn’t look back at her, because he knows how transparent he is.

 _Acting again_ , she decides after a second, and says, "Well, I guess we’ll just have to see," with that trace of seriousness that lets him know she can see right through him.

"Yeah," Seth says to the reporter, suddenly so tired of all the cameras and the people and the talking. "I don’t know who told you to ask us that, but we don’t know shit about life."

Amy laughs. "Yeah, you really picked the wrong two people for life lessons, Buddy."

"Although," says Seth, looking sideways at her. "We do have a solid life plan, remember?"

"Our life plan is _so_ solid," agrees Amy, grinning up at him, then explaining to the reporter quite seriously: "We’re going to retire at forty, move in to an old folks’ home, and spend our final days together arguing about baseball. Go Redsox."

Seth pokes her in the arm. "And don’t you forget it."

 

 

 

 

**"Tina and Amy, you guys are undoubtedly one of the best tag teams in comedy; I’m a huge fan, like the rest of America. So we all know you two are great at making fun of other people from your work on Weekend Update together a few years ago, but what’s something you make fun of _each other_ for?"**

"Amy is a caffeine monster," says Tina without hesitation, and Amy nods. "Some people have alcohol problems, and then there’s Amy, who’s perpetual answer to some guy's ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ is ‘I’ll take a Diet Coke on the rocks.' And then when she gets her drink, she's like, ‘Sorry, I’m married.’ There’s always a Redbull or a coffee in her hand, and I think everyone who knows her knows how she takes her coffee. And I know people have caffeine addictions, but Amy is the real thing. Like, I have seen her punch Jimmy for taking a sip of her Starbucks."

"Don’t mess with my caffeine, what can I say?" says Amy, laughing and shrugging.

**"And what about you, Amy?"**

"Oh, _yes_. So. Back in the day, like at least thirty years ago, when Tina was head writer, there was a kind of joke that she would rather write than go out and party, which is _so_ not true anymore, let me tell you."

Tina clears her throat. "Don’t get sidetracked."

"Right. Sorry. So one day, Jimmy goes up to her and asks her to go out for drinks with the rest of us when rehearsal wraps up. And I was in the room, reading through a script or something, and I swear, Tina said no, and Jimmy got down on his knees and _begged_ her. And everyone joined in and started chanting her name, like a really bad movie scene, and she _still_ said no, because she had a lot of work to do, and was the only responsible one in the room. So Jimmy and the rest of the guys that were there came over to where I was sitting, and they started talking about how Tina never let loose, and how she needed to have fun, and I was just like, ‘Guys. Just bring the party to her!’ And they looked at me like I was some kind of genius, I swear. And that’s how Tina ended up getting a lap dance and strip tease by six guys at the same time!"

Tina covers her face, and Amy laughs, "I should add, this was in the writer’s room, so Tina was already in there working, and suddenly the lights went off and the music came on, and Jimmy and like five other guys came in and started dancing to some horrible stripper music. And I did film it, before you ask, but the tape went missing mysteriously a very short time later."

**"Who were the other five dancers, (if you’re allowed to tell me)?**

"Oh, they don’t care who knows at all. It’s a mark of pride to them," says Tina, lips pursed, but amusement etched into her face.

"Okay, so Jimmy was the ring leader," says Amy, winking at Tina. "Then there was Seth, of course, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Fred, and…there was one more, I think, right?"

Tina nods her head. "Parnsy."

"Ahh, yes, Chris Parnell."

**"And who was the best dancer? (Don’t worry, these interviews aren’t even for the general public; they’re for the NBC archives.)"**

"Amy, you want to go first?"

"You were the one in the chair!"

"Fine," says Tina, wondering why she’s answering this. "I gotta say, Fallon had some moves."

Amy snorts.

"What," says Tina defensively.

"Oh nothing," Amy says, straight-faced. "It’s just that your answer is so monumentally surprising."

(That and the fact that Jimmy was the only one that had stripped all the way down to his boxers, but neither of them were saying that part.)

Tina’s face turns red.

**"So, Tina, did you yell at them or did you sit through it?"**

She opens her mouth, then laughs. "I did sit through it. I thought about yelling at them, but I didn’t think they would listen, given that I was laughing my ass off."

Amy smirks. "She was loving it. She enjoyed it so much. It was the greatest experience of her—"

"Oh, shut up. I did not encourage it, okay?"

Amy laughs, and turns to the camera. "Okay, this is true, she was a perfect gentlewoman and a good sport for letting them do it, and did not act immature or in a sexual way whatsoever."

"Thank you, even though I haven't forgotten it was originally your idea," says Tina.

Amy is quiet for all of two seconds, then blurts out quickly, "But she also didn't even try to tell them to stop, so we can just assume that she enjoyed it a great deal."

"Jerk!" says Tina.

"I love you, too."

 

 

 

 

**"Okay, so you two wrote the Laser Cats sketches together, along with many others, and you're obviously good friends. My question is: how do you pick your friends in this business?"**

"Hmm," says Bill, looking at Andy. "People that make me laugh, I guess? Is that a stupid answer for an SNL red carpet interview?"

 **"No,"** says the reporter, at the same time as Andy's "Yes."

"Look who's talking," Bill says to Andy, laughing at him. "Andy's way is where he's a huge annoying asshole, and the people that _don't_ beat him up become his friends."

"And it works! Just look at us!" exclaims Andy, all smiles.

"Does it work? I hadn't noticed," says a third voice, and Bill and Andy turn around and see Kristen hiding behind them.

"Wiig! Get in on this!" says Andy, pulling her in between him and Bill, and she laughs, content with being sandwiched by two of her best friends in the world.

**"If you two fought over this beautiful co-star of yours, who would win?"**

"Oh, thanks," says Kristen, blushing, and turns her attention to Bill and Andy, expectantly placing her chin on her fist.

"Me," says Bill finally, and Andy says, "Yeah, definitely Bill."

Kristen nods, and to the reporter and to the camera, her nod looks like an acceptance of a decision that has been made, but Andy and Bill know it's just plain agreement.

**"And why is that?"**

Andy had just turned away, but he hears the question and turns around with his eyebrow raised, like "Are you kidding me right now?"

He nods his head toward Kristen and Bill, who are standing less than a quarter inch apart, Bill's hand around her waist and his coat around her shoulders. And Andy just holds out his hands and says, "Who can compete with that? Not me."

And he sets off to tackle Kenan, leaving Bill and Kristen standing less than a quarter inch apart and looking everywhere but at each other.

 

 

 

 

**"How hard was it having a family and being on the show at the same time?**

"My husband is a saint," Maya says. "When I was on SNL, earlier this season even, he understood that the show demanded a lot from me, and in return, I set my limits with what I had to do, and what I could miss to spend time at home with my daughter and husband instead."

She looks down at her champagne glass, trying to remember when she picked it up, and whether she's drunk. She doesn't feel drunk, but she doesn't remember when she got it.

"Some people have a harder time than others, you know," she says, looking back up at the young reporter, watching the light glint off of the golden nametag reading "Rebecca."

Maya tries to form her words carefully, and she doesn't know why she wants to tell the reporter this. It feels like she's always known the answer but she had no one to tell, because all of her friends are suffering a hell of a lot more than she did.

"It depends on whether…it depends on who…like, some people, when they come here, make lifelong friends, and…" She stops, looks around for a way to finish her sentence, because she can't stop now. She figures she must be a _little_ drunk, but she thinks, fuck it. She doesn't even work here anymore.

Her eyes land on Lorne, straight-faced and silent, like an old rock that's weathered storm after storm, and she sighs.

"Look, if I'm being honest, Rebecca," she sighs again. "I'm… lucky. I'm the anomaly.  Being here, having this amazing, unreal job, comes with heartbreak, no matter how worth it every second is."

Rebecca frowns slightly, looking less like a reporter and more like a young woman who wants to know how to conquer life, and that's why Maya likes her, she's sure now.

**"What's an example? If you're willing to share, that is."**

Maya opens her mouth, but what she's trying to say is not at all possible.

She looks around again, and sees Kristen, wrapped in Bill's jacket as he tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, away from the gaze of the cameras; she sees the uncertainty that always fills Kristen's eyes multiply tenfold as she leans into Bill, without meaning to, without wanting to, but needing to.

She sees Tina under Jimmy's constant attack, how Jimmy is immature and childish and lovesick, and how Tina gets so angry at herself for letting her guard down around him, because once he's under your skin, you can't get him out.

She sees Seth, head over heels and a little bit bitter, and she sees Amy, second guessing herself every time she looks in the mirror because of how Seth gives all of himself to her without a second thought.

She can't say those things out loud, but she likes Rebecca. Rebecca didn't ask her an overused question about sexism in comedy or 'how hard is it having kids and a show?'

She said _family_ , and Maya thinks that Rebecca might understand this group of people better than any of the other reporters in the room.

So she doesn't misdirect. Because this video isn't for the public, and no one ever watches the NBC archives until someone dies. And she thinks Rebecca, with her young heart and hopeful face and inquisitive eyes, will understand.

 

"An example?" says Maya. "Look around."

 

And she tips her champagne glass back, sinking back into the crowd she calls her family, surrounded and immediately comforted by the harmony of ever-changing heartache and imperishable laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: this came out of my imagination, as much as i wish it were true.  
> <3


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